Have you ever just layed in bed, and stared at the ceiling thinking about everything going on in your life? Because that’s what I’m doing. I’m laying in complete darkness reliving moments, thinking of things I should’ve said, and dreaming of a time when this pain will finally end. I spent some time with my mom today. It was nice to have her listen as I tell her how I feel about things. I value the time I have with her now even more, even though she’s quite embarrassing. I don’t have many friends. That’s why I’m spending weekends with my mom and not out partying like normal high schoolers. I guess you can say I’m kind of a loser. I’m smart, so I’m also a nerd. I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, and I’m pretty quiet. I don’t like to talk much, and I don’t really fit in anywhere. Sure I have a table of people to sit with at lunch, and I have people to talk to, but really, I am alone. Nobody really understands how I feel all the time. How I feel worthless, how I feel like I’m a big disappointment, how I feel like I’m not good enough for any guy. I try to forget about all of this and try to be happy, but I can’t. My mom told me tonight how I really have nothing to be upset about, but I think I do. I’ve been bullied in every type of way. I’ve had my heart broken. I’ve had so many rumors about me that weren’t true I lost count. And I don’t have many friends. I don’t want to be a loser, but nothing is going to change. I’m nothing special really. I just don’t want to feel so alone anymore.

Love,

A

When I woke up this morning, I felt like I should be happy, and stop being so sad all the time. I need to start facing my problems head on and dealing with them. The pain I feel right before I fall asleep is getting harder and harder to manage. I try to pretend like everything is okay so that no one will worry about me. I am hoping that things will soon look up. Until then, I hope this will help from things getting bad again. Why are the ones who have the biggest hearts get hurt so much?

Love,

A

To whoever is reading this, I hope that you can be trusted. I never really open up, and well, I am hoping that you will understand. Things are starting to get bad again. This feeling keeps coming back. I do not understand why. I have good parents, nice friends, and a great boyfriend, but for some reason there is an emptiness in my heart that no matter what, can not be filled. I have started to cry every night again, and not the kind that can easily be stopped. The kind that gets worse and worse until you can not breathe. I feel as if there is something wrong with me. I think I have known this for a long time now. I have never been normal, and I am not sure why. I can be perfectly fine and even happy, but the next second I will get extremely sad. The tiniest things can trigger this uncontrollable and incurable sadness that comes from within me, and I do not know what to do. I have never cut myself or have harmed myself in anyway. I do not understand how that could make me feel better. I guess I am just looking for something more. I live in a place where there are not many people who understand what is wrong with me. Everyone goes on with their perfect lives, and tries to mask all their problems with either attitude, or a smile. I am surrounded by fake people. One minute they will be best friends, and the next they will go and tell another person how they secretly hate each other. I guess that is how high school goes though. I am going to be stuck here for quite a while so I guess I need to get used to it. Typing this out helped the crying stop, but I just want to be normal. Why do the people we love hurt us the most?

Love,

A